Marriage Counselling For the Team
by RicardianScholar Clark-Weasley
Summary: Soapy's Challenge. there's been some murders during a group marriage counselling and the team go undercover to investigate. Owen is trapped in a gay marriage with Jack. Gwen's furious with Rhys and Tosh is trying to kill Owen


_When a series of murders lead back to a 'Couple's Counselling Support Group' Torchwood are forced to pair up to infiltrate the group; but who will go with whom? And what horrors do they find? –Any pairings, any rating and any length. _

**Author's Note: this was great to write and I encourage you all to attempt this challenge yourselves. The basic storyline has great potential for hilarious fun and various couplings. **

"Couple's Counselling Support Group" Owen read the leaflet with disgust, he snorted. "What a load of bull"

"OI!" Gwen snapped whacking the back of Owen's head with a rolled up newspaper. "It is a respected group that assists couples with their problems in hopes for them to find a solution without resorting to divorce"

"Only their idea of helping is apparently killing the couples" Jack said from his usual head chair in the conference room. "The police can't work out who is behind it. Apparently all the fingerprints in the room are only the couple that turn up dead. None of the therapists or other couples has evidence against them"

"So why the hell is this support group so successful if everyone turns up dead?" Owen asked putting his feet up on the table.

Ianto immediately pushed them off and shot Owen a filthy look. "I just cleaned that" he said quietly. Owen just stuck his tongue out in a childish manner that caused everyone to roll their eyes.

"While half of the couples do tend to die the other half had solved their marriage problems very successfully" Tosh said holding up a file. "And I quote 'the sex has never been better' unquote"

"Sex? I'm in" Jack said lightly causing everyone to groan.

"Look all we have to do is send Gwen and Rhys in and hope Gwen ducks whenever the fat bastard takes a swing to her" Owen said stretching. "That way the rest of us could sit off and watch the drama on CCTV"

"No way in hell you fucking bastard" Gwen said coldly. "I am not risking my husband's life so you can sit off"

"Besides Rhys is a civilian, we can't risk him unless we're all there" Ianto added. "This is why we're all going to pretend to be married"

"WHAT?!" Owen squawked. "I have to pretend to be married to Tosh _again? _You're not very subtle in your matchmaking Yan"

Both Ianto and Tosh flushed red while Jack snickered. "Why Owen did you really think we would risk poor Tosh's sanity just so you can get a date? This time round we're doing a pull out of a hat"

Ianto picked up a top hat from under the table with three pieces of paper in, he held it out to Owen. "Pick your lucky bride...or unlucky since it's you" he muttered.

"Where the hell did you get the top hat from?" Gwen asked.

"You'd be surprised what you'll find in Jack's dress up box" Ianto said coolly.

"You mean that nurse's outfit from last week...?"

"Yes"

"Jack you pervert" everyone muttered under the breath as Owen pulled out a piece of paper from the hat and unfolded it.

"Oh you're shitting me"

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

It was a lovely sunny day, a slight breeze coming in from the ocean and not a cloud in the sky. A miracle for Cardiff where it seemed to rain 24/7. It was a small clean white building with clean white walls that definitely weren't decorated and clear plastic furniture inside. Tosh and Ianto sat up right looking uncomfortable in two seats while Gwen paced the room growling into her mobile.

"What do you mean you can't make it? Work? What bloody excuse is that? yes Rhys I know I use that excuse a lot but I save the world on the daily bases what do you do, sit on your arse eating doughnuts while avoiding angry drivers?" she sighed. "look it's therapy for married couples, you're the one that said we needed it...well all you have to do is ignore Jack and the others....what do you mean Jack's part of our problems??? Hello? Rhys? RHYS?!"

She slammed her phone shut and stomped over to Ianto and Tosh.

"He hung up on me!" she whined. "The bastard!"

"God I hate it when men do that, they're too scared of confrontation" Tosh said sympathetically.

"Pardon?" Ianto blinked.

"Well no offense Ianto, you're practically one of the girls but most men never like confrontation. They squirm when put under pressure which is usually why they don't phone or answer your phone call or just plain hang up on you" Tosh elaborated.

"Maybe it's just because you don't stop talking" Ianto muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" both Tosh and Gwen asked glaring.

"Nothing" Ianto said smiling innocently. "What is taking Owen and Jack so long?"

"A conflict of many differences" Gwen said tactfully.

"More like he's being a bloody pain in the arse and I might have to kill myself just to shut him up" Owen growled from the doorway looking furious while Jack stood behind him with a cheerful grin. "For the last time Jack we did not meet at a gay bar with me dressed as a transvestite, we did not fall in love the moment our eyes met across the bar, we did not have a night of fantastic sex and we certainly did not elope because my mother didn't approve of us"

"Ah I see" Ianto muttered. "Fighting over their background story"

"Why do I have to be married to this perverted poof?" Owen whined. "I much rather be married to Tosh or Gwen"

Jack wrapped an arm round Owen's waist. "Honeybunch, did I do something wrong? Whatever it is I can change, I swear" Jack said in high pitched voice obviously taking the mick as he fluttered his eyelashes.

Tosh, Gwen and Ianto tried to hide their snickers as Owen pushed Jack off of him. "Gerroff" he growled before marching in to the room. He examined the room as he slipped his hands into his pockets. "Only us? I take it people finally decided it was a load of bull after all"

"No people are too afraid of being murdered" Ianto corrected calmly. "Besides Dr Jamison only takes small groups made of three or four couples at a time. To make it more intimate"

"Orgy then" Owen said.

Everyone rolled their eyes but didn't have time to say anything as a small balding man with a bit of a beer belly came in, he had thick framed glasses and a nervous smile.

"Hello there I'm Dr Jamison and I've been a marriage councillor for 12 years now and you are?"

"About to kill myself" Owen muttered.

"He's my wife, Owen Harper-Harkness" Jack said wrapping an arm round Owen's shoulder. "He's a bit embarrassed being here, doesn't like to admit he has problems, isn't that right sweetheart?"

"Die bastard die" Owen growled.

Jack pinched Owen's cheek. "Oh you are so cute when you're mad, I could just gobble you u-ARGH!"

Jack began to hop madly round the room clutching his foot while Owen stomped off and sat himself next to Tosh with a satisfied smirk.

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

Dr Jamison lit two large white wax candles before sitting down opposite the team. "These candles are to enhance the mood" he explained to the others confused look.

"Told you it was an orgy" Owen muttered causing the others to shush him.

Jack took a large sniff and frowned. The smell was familiar to him but he couldn't place where.

"Now then shall we start with you Gwyneth? Since your husband isn't here would you like to tell us how you feel?" Dr Jamison asked Gwen who was glaring at Owen (who was sniggering and mouthing Gwyneth).

"I feel frustrated" she said calmly. "We both having troubles because of work, mostly mine I'll admit and he can't make this because of his own work. We had a huge fight over the phone and he seems to think my boss is part of our problems-"

"Well considering how you want to shag your boss can you blame Rhys being jealous?" Ianto interrupted bitterly.

Everyone looked up at him in shock. It was unusual for Ianto to be so rude and blunt like this.

"Yan?" Jack muttered.

"I mean you keep having a go about how Rhys never understands but do you ever pay attention to Rhys? Something tells me that Rhys is doing all the housework as well while you're running after Jack's coat tails. Also you go on and on about how the people feel and how we should be more sympathetic but you're always thinking about yourself and never about what I might feel" Ianto ranted.

"Ianto..." Gwen trailed off looking desperate.

"Did any of those nights mean anything to you Gwen?" Ianto shouted. "We both needed someone when Jack ran off with his latest shag and we found each other, I thought I found someone who understood me and then you went off and got engaged with Rhys and when Jack got back you tried to make him jealous before finally letting me be with him. And you Jack, I know you're using me as an in-between before your precious Doctor comes back for you. I refuse to be the guy everyone uses! I'm sick of cleaning up after all of you and I'm sick of being used!"

"I can't believe Gwen's slept with them all now" Owen muttered to Tosh. "Have you and she...?"

"YOU SICK PERVERTED BASTARD!" Tosh screeched before slapping Owen. "How dare you?! I am getting sick and tired of being the butt of your jokes. You run off sleeping with any girl that you think is hot and then rub it in my face. You never thought about how I felt or even been nice to me. When you do, when you give me a little hope you snatch it all away. No matter who I dated whether it was Mary or Tommy I could never get you out of my head not matter how hard I tried"

"Tosh?" Owen asked looking pale and terrified as Tosh burst into huge baby tears.

"What the hell is going on?" Jack asked as Dr Jamison began to look nervous. "Tosh, Ianto sit down and calm down. You're giving us away"

"Oh shut up!" Ianto, Gwen, Owen and Tosh shouted.

"You're such a frustrating pervert Jack Harkness" Owen shouted. "You killed my fiancée, trapped me in this god forsaken job, dangle the most beautiful and sweetest women in my face knowing full well I will never have the courage to do anything. Then you bloody hide everything from us, run away, leave us for over a year only to come back all cocky and arrogant as ever! I hate you!"

"You sleep with me, act like I'm your world but then you run off after Gwen. You ran away with the Doctor, you never stop muttering about your past loves and you're always thinking you know everything when in reality you know nothing" Ianto shouted tearfully.

"You ruin everything" Gwen snarled.

"I was better off in that prison cell" Tosh added.

Dr Jamison began to edge slowly out of the room holding his hands against his ears. "Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no, it's happening all over again" he whimpered.

Just as Dr Jamison left the room everyone began to attack one another. Ianto was punching Jack while Gwen was scratching at him and trying to push him off. Owen was trying to defend himself from Tosh just as Ianto pushed Gwen into him who caused him to snap and slap her hard in the face, causing her to knee him in the balls.

The five kept fighting. Punching, pushing, hair pulling, scratching, kicking, slapping, shouting abuse and crying. It wasn't until Jack was sent flying into the table knocking the candles slightly when Jack got a huge whiff of the scent.

"Hang on..." he mumbled. "That's....emotional enhancers! 51st century ones as well! Well what do you know it Dr Jamison had been a very naughty boy" he picked up one of the candles and blew the flame out, he then picked up the other one and did the same before running to the window and opening it to clean the air out. "Guys, calm down, come on GUYS!"

Ianto and Gwen paused and looked at each other in horror. Owen stopped fighting Tosh but couldn't do anything as Tosh was still pining him down to the floor, her cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

Just then Rhys opened the door while pulling Dr Jamison in by the ear. "Is everyone all right?"

TWTWTWTWTWTWTWTWTW

"...and can you call UNIT and ask for an emergency team? According to the doctors we'll be out of action for another week" Jack ordered Rhys who was writing everything down in a notepad. "You got everything?"

"Feed Mwyfanny, feed Janet, try not to get fingers eaten, clean Hub, pick up dry cleaning, bring back some chocolates and entertainment, call UNIT, yep that's everything" Rhys read off with a glare at Jack. "I can't believe you each broke a bone"

"Five in Owen's case, the poor bastard didn't stand a chance with Tosh" Jack said with a grin.

"OI! I'm only two beds away from you Harkness, I can hear everything you say" Owen shouted from his bed.

The five of them were staying in the same ward, all hating the lack of entertainment and being trapped 24/7 with Jack's sexual innuendo, Owen's whining and Gwen's stories. It had turned out Dr Jamison had found the emotional enhancer candles a few weeks back when he was looking for some candles to create an atmosphere for his counselling. Sometimes the candles enhanced the lust and love causing couples to have fantastic sex and sometimes they enhanced the anger, bitterness, frustration, jealousy etc. Etc. Etc causing couples to brutally murder each other.

"You're all a fucked up bunch I give you that" Rhys muttered.

"Yes we're all in need for counselling" Ianto said friendly looking up from his booklet. "I'm looking into getting us some family counselling"

"NO!!!!!!!!" Owen, Tosh, Gwen and Jack roared looking horrified.

Rhys pitied the therapist that they'll end up with; something told him that the poor man or woman will be in need of intensive therapy themselves.


End file.
